In university life, students are often faced with various choices, ranging from invitations to hang out and socialize after class to sudden weekend trips. At the same time, assignment deadlines are pending completion. Behind all these activities, the question often arises: Are we doing it because we genuinely want to, or are we just afraid of disappointing others?
Psychologist from the Career and Student Development Unit (CSDU) FEB UGM, Anisa Yuliandri, S.Psi., M.Psi., explains that the tendency always to please others is known as a people pleaser. This phenomenon is commonly found among students who want to maintain relationships, gain recognition, or avoid conflict. Unfortunately, this attitude can have adverse effects on mental health, reduce productivity, and even hinder personal development.
What is a People Pleaser?
Anisa explained that a people pleaser is an informal term used to describe someone who tends to prioritise the interests of others to maintain relationships or a good image, even if it means sacrificing their own comfort.
“Usually, they find it difficult to say no because they are afraid of being seen as selfish or irresponsible, or not good enough,” she explained on Friday (3/10/2025) at FEB UGM.
Behind this attitude, she continued, there is a deep desire to be accepted and loved. As in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory, once basic needs are met, humans seek a sense of belonging and want to be valued by their environment. This is what drives many students to be present, helpful, and available whenever needed, solely to be seen as essential and valuable by those around them, even if it means neglecting their own needs.
Why Does This Behaviour Emerge?
Anisa explained that people-pleasing behaviour does not just appear out of nowhere. Several factors contribute to this, including past relationship patterns, social pressure, and the fast-paced culture of university life. Some of the reasons that usually cause someone to become a people pleaser include conditional parenting, for example, where children are only praised when they behave well and lose affection when they refuse or show emotions. Furthermore, fear of rejection is also a cause of people-pleasing behaviour because individuals with a fear of rejection (anxious attachment) tend to maintain relationships at all costs, including sacrificing themselves.
“An environment that demands high productivity and a competitive campus culture often makes students feel that they must always be busy to be recognised, which also encourages people to become people-pleasers,” she explained.
What Can Be Done?
Stopping being a people pleaser does not mean stopping being a good person. In fact, it is a process of becoming a good person who is also emotionally healthy, who cares about others without neglecting themselves. Anisa shared several steps that can be taken to avoid becoming a people pleaser. One of them is to be aware of the situation by understanding that, as an individual, you do not have to please everyone. Next, set boundaries to maintain mental health. Use the principle of prioritisation by creating a list of activities that align with your values and life goals. Then, pause before responding to avoid the habit of immediately saying yes without consideration.
Furthermore, say no honestly and politely. Refusing a request does not mean hurting others, but it is a healthy way to set boundaries. By being assertive, you can learn to balance caring for others with caring for yourself. Equally important is building a healthy environment by getting used to respecting each other’s boundaries.
“Take advantage of the support that is already available. At FEB UGM, through CSDU, which provides free counselling services for students,” she said.
Anisa emphasised that students need to understand that they do not have to be everything to everyone. Because the busier one is fulfilling others’ expectations, the further one can stray from oneself.
“Stop for a moment, listen to yourself, and don’t hesitate to set boundaries. Because the most worthy thing to fight for is yourself,” she said firmly.
Source: CSDU FEB UGM
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